im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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