She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
