I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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