Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
