1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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