i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
