New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
