You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I am one with the molecules
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
