Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
