were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
