i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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