i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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