Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
