And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
