Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
