You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
