She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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