What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
a search helicopter?!
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
