You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
