you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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