never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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