he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
