So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
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