Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
