Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
