my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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