She is in my trunk
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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