Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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