Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
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