Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Text me some of your sweat
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
