There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
