So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
