oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
