After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
