so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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