Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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