Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
