I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
