I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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