turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
