I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
