Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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