Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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