NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
