The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Say something about gay babies.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
