i'm signing you up for texting rehab
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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