I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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