Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
