we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
It was like getting head from an anaconda
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
