Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Damn victory sex feels great
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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